Tag: Feelings

Curiosity Misery’s Company (09-11-09)

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My misery’s curiosity still lies behind these walls.

The yelling and the screaming continues to echo throughout the hallways.

That’s all I’m able to hear.

I don’t think I need glasses anymore, because now I can see straight through people.

Time must be moving quickly, because I feel my hair graying,

My heart aches from the stitches, that aren’t even really mending it back together, there only for show.

My souls still searching for the answers, and the souls of the rest of the lost ones.

They took a piece of me, He snatched the peace from around my neck.

I can only guess my audience is aware of the dramatic irony.

Damn, its been 10 months, and I still cant understand.

The dust has been settled, it has been swept under the rug, but even still this hasn’t become clean to me.

The feelings still linger this just isn’t the place for me to be,

a house is not a home, but I’m just trynna figure out where I’m supposed to be.

Double standards, insecurities, lies, and religion – eventually will become the death of me.

Why did she stop Goliaths hand, what would J–, never mind.

What would you have done in my situation?

He PUSHED and I prayed and still nothing happened.

 Kisses on my forehead could never erase this memory.

I’m just glad to know that I got some people here for me.

I thought it was snowing in hell, when I saw who caused my cell phone to ring.

And now I’m sitting here staring at the ceiling.

 I am Lonely.

 I’m confined to this room, I don’t want to step outside because I feel them watching me.

Cant close my eyes because my brain projects the incident repeatedly upon my eye lids.

I can’t sleep…

My stomachs in pain — I can’t eat...

I won’t drink.

I cant think — without hurting & dropping tears left and right.

After this, I don’t think I have any fears, I only live everyday knowing ..

 Fact: People aren’t obligated to you love you.

  -The End.

 –Leighrick

Phenomenal Woman

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For all that you have given me,

I can return but love.

On the days when the sun isn’t shining so bright,

Your smile brightens my world, and glistening in your smile is your heart of gold.

Your eyes caress my uneasiness, letting me know everything will be okay.

How can you know how much you mean to me?

After a number of heartaches, there unconditional love lays.

Blessed I am, for the woman you are, and the one I will become.

Since birth it’s been you & I.

I know I have a lot of siblings,

You share a separate yet special bond with each us.

But lately, I’ve been caught up in this growth between myself and my pride.

I know I haven’t been an easy child, however

I’m just trying to express to you my apologies.

 

I look into your eyes and see the wounds on your soul, your hurt.

I admire what you’ve provided me with.

I am grateful.

 

Anyone can see it in our lives,

The joy each one of us derives,

in just knowing that the other one is there –

To care and understand,

To lend an ear or hold a hand,

And celebrate in the memories and love we share.

 

Mommy,

You’ve passed onto me your elegant attributes.

Beauty,

&

Intelligence.

Your hugs are laced with tender, loving, care.

Your kisses calm down my heart, and give me reassurance that you’ll always be there.

Phenomenal Woman.

Your skin glows, radiant with triumph.

Legendary.

My inspiration to become everything, you know I can be.

You helped to build my mind.

And I want you to know –

The thought of you by me

Makes me smile and give thanks to God for having you in my life.

 

We will be close

Forever, not just for a while.

I appreciate my mother.

 

Gentle yet Strong.

You’ve been patient when I’m foolish;

You give me guidance even when I don’t ask.

Its evident you can do most anything;

A master of every task.

You’ve been my cushion when I fall.

Help in times of trouble.

I love you more than you know,

You have my entirety of respect.

And if God gave me my choice of mothers,

There would be no question,

You’d be the one I would select.

So

Although time is non-directional, it always moves forward.

We have memories to look back on, and I am able to bask in your love.

It’s said,

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness”

Well it doesn’t just take mother’s day to let you to understand,

That not only are you My Mother, but

A Phenomenal Woman.

 

Love Always,

–Leighrick

Journey of a Gemini

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The Journey of a Gemini

I’ve been on this journey seeking the other half of me.

My eyes have grown weary & my heart weak.

My head hung low in disappointment.

To the point I’m trying to reach, each step seems as though I’m getting further in distance.

I sit in isolation, sand storms caressing my mind, blizzards comforting my heart, and the great flood drowning my soul.

Heat stroke seemed only to be the only thing comforting me.

Until he came and sat beside me.

I felt his ear to my soul…

His thoughts beating to the rhythm of my heart.

I smile because he’s found me.

The Journey of a Gemini

I’ve sought to find the other half of me.

I am his sun.

He is my moon.

I wonder if knows he’s found me in my worst storm.

That the rain just isn’t nature’s cry for help, but my own spirits.

I want him,

I want him to understand, his smile is my sunset and his eyes are my ocean.

Understand he is my place of peace,

Someone who hears my screams and yells back to comfort me.

I run my hands through the sand, his trails and tribulations.

His breaths kindred to the night waves.

He is my reach past the stars, and the sky…with him I feel no limits.

And

If I am to him Queen, He is my King..

Pour out our thoughts.

Mix our Love.

And build a barricade around our sandcastle.

This is the Journey of a Gemini.

I realize what lies beyond his eyes

&

The difference between what lies hes been told, and what lies in his heart.

As I lie in his arms

He embraces my anticipation.

This journey reflects on my rebuilding of trust.

Does he know he is the foundation?

Everyday will be Summer time, because I will be his sun shining light on his journey as well.

This is the story of a Gemini.

I’ve found the other half of me.

He knows the other half, nobody has ever known,

He is the half of me, I’m always been afraid of showing

but

Somehow through this poem, my feelings for him just flow.

Massaging his doubts..

Our fingers interlock, and we’ll begin our journey together.

The only dream I look forward to, he seems to be better than reality its self.

I wonder…

Is this journey of a Gemini only a dream, because if so fuck that…I want him inside of me.

Not only thoughts, but in feelings,

not only by touch is he healing

but he comforts me, when it feels as though I am emotionless

Incapable of affection…

I feel so Emotional that I am Emotionless

I often wonder if he’s testing me…teasing me?

Love has no boundaries, I stopped to take a break…I gave up on that shit!

I look ahead, and loves found me.

Now I wonder…should I further this journey?

Mother these problems?

Become acquainted with long lost feelings?

Curse the father of my thoughts?

Pet the idea of falling in love again?

Love hurt me before, my chambers turned ice cold

&

My rib cage turned into jail bars.

I feel myself unable to escape.

I wonder if he knows this is me?

Am I accepted?

All I ask for is my love to be respected — and if wants to

He can grab my hand, and join me.

This is the journey of a Gemini.

I am half asleep with my eyes wide open.

I cant see him, but I hear him, and I feel our love growing closer.

He yells, “Love Stinks!“

Well that love stench is me, because I’ve been traveling for to long on this damn journey.

But

What can I say?...It’s the Gemini in Me.

-Leighrick

Phone Home

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I’m trapped in a box with a cell phone, white walls and a stop sign. I’ve finally caught a signal… I began to phone home. No answer — I guess the answering machine has a mind of its own. Who would have ever thought that the sound of the dial tone, could set the tone for my sickness. I lay flat on my stomach – ill. Until the satellites come correctly into place.

Walls cant cry, windows don’t have arms, and with a mattress full of money still none of it builds a home. I know they seen it coming down my eyes, but I couldn’t feel her text message cry. I peeped it through the mirror, it almost seemed 3D, but not forgetting its reality. I turn over on my back and begin to ponder. Did you see the image you portrayed clearly? I thought at least some of the things I was doing was brand new…

I blink twice, hoping that this is a dream and I’m sailing off in the bay out the double standard cell, cell phone free because my hearts hope isn’t for sale. Transcribing feelings through technology shows no emotion, that goes for the smiley as well… So when that door opened up for me. I grasped the shadows of 3 strong women standing tall….with their hands held out, my future blueprinted. Now I can say that my future at hand will be successful. You’ll miss us when we’re gone…

“I float high good bye. I will miss y’all“

-Leighrick

The Coldest War

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Everyone said life was going to be this hard

However, everyone failed to mention the scars would remain, less obvious than outer appearance.

Daily wearing her heart on her sleeve.

Scabs and keloids protrude from untold her-stories,

 

Belly swollen full of manipulation.

Brain dead,

Unconscious,

Self-conscious —

 

Afraid of self.

 

PAIN

 

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Her tongue remedial compared to cat like reflexes.

Her own two sense, something she cant afford.

 

She Wrote.

and so

She Spoke.

 

She becomes family with led and ink.

In-laws of different colors

 

A mind is a terrible thing to waste,

as is her pain,

She Wrote.

 

This lonely child found the comfort in the instruments, the silence, and the trees.

 

All she wrote repeatedly:

 

“NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!”

“NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!”

“NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!”

“NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!“…

 

Peers read, what appears?

What is perceived?

 

The agony brought a smile upon her face, because shes discovered one of her many talents

Acting.

 

Just Leave Me.

Leave Her Alone.

 

MEANING

Comfort Me.

 

This little girl is on a scavenger hunt.

She tries to abandon the labels, they hold her back.

She searches for someone to foster her creativity.

She longs for someone to adopt her perception.

Her conscience is an Orphan.

 

This lonely child is lost in all the love.

 

Mouth dry as wood.

Eyes shinning bright like dim lights.

These Pinocchio’s snout would grow

if they deny being puppets too.

 

She just wants to be a real woman.

They hear her speak, but no one

LISTENS.

Judgments are passed along,

accompanied by unconditional love.

Under the conditions of seeing thoroughly, only when they chose not to be

BLIND.

 

so confused.

 

Life is hard, for that she was prepared.

They keeping telling her to explain herself.

But no one understands her language.

She tries to translate it, but motha fuckas are impatient.

 

Feeling like a patient, she nursing her thoughts.

Remember, this poor girl is brain dead.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste

 

So.

The shadow unexpectedly appeared

placed the pen to her temple.

imprinted a hand against her heart,

and pressed her mouth onto hers.

 

She inhaled comprehension and took her first gasp of LIFE.

Tasteless.

 

Nervous.

Excited.

She understands her language, she wrote back to her through thoughts, emotions, and intuition.

She spoke.

The first words for a young adult.

“I Love You”

She grew inside her,wisdom, her tears the waters that bloomed this gracious flower.

 

Everyone told her life was going to be this hard.

She thought her shit would come out softer after the bullshit they fed her,

another fallacy sugar coated.

 

She’s screaming at her

Lullabies sweet and low.

Her honesty

Bittersweet.

 

This Woman is a Solider.

The series of this Coldest War.

 

To be continued…

 

-Leighrick

Mirrored Silouhettes [pt2]

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I’m falling back but I don’t feel anyone behind me. Im trying break my fall but I’m breaking every other bone in the process.

 

My mind is trying to process these thoughts, separate the good from the bad.

 

Trying to decipher the tears from the smiles. And the confusion from the laughter.

 

Life’s taking:

the Sweetness out my Satisfaction.

the Dreams out of my Sleep.

 

Its safe to say…

I’m lost. I’m misunderstood.

I don’t know what to do

for myself, but

I continuously do for others.

 

I know what I want.

I yearn for what I need.

I am thankful for what I have…maybe I am selfish,

because…THAT’S STILL NOT ENOUGH.

 

I wish people could just read my mind.

The good and the bad thoughts.

I wish people could just see what I see.

The potential and the fuck ups.

 

I just want to find me.

I am surround with people that adore me.

Yet

I haven’t found me and accepted myself for what I see, acknowledging what I want to be,

Go to sleep.

&&

GET THE FUCK OVER IT…..

because its KILLING ME.

 

-Leighrick

Hurricane Emotion

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She turned her back on everything

Yet

The world is still revolving around her.

Time is non-directional, yet it always moves forward

She’s living in the past;

“the has been“s and “the had“s.

 

Her eyes embodying the oceans…

A sea of tears.

She tried to swim through Hurricane Emotion

But

Her life’s guard was off duty.

 

She drowned in the lies, because she let her guard down.

Heart broken like a levy

Only left to wallow in her own agony.

 

Everyone saw, but no one cloud help.

Many predicted the storm, but she denied the forecast.

 

That’s when the spiraling down came,

A tornado came ripping off her security blanket.

Now she sits as she arrived in this world…naked.

 

Cold.

The storm is no where near over,

The eye of the storm still precipitating mis-beliefs.

 

Unable to sleep through the pain.

She tries to maintain body heat, but in her most sacred place the lights are out.

 

Where she lies awaiting predetermined rescue..

The foundation cracks.

She’s falling threw the hole shes dug herself…Relapse.

 

She looked to the cross, but found no answers within all the red.

If FEMA couldn’t save Katrina,

What kind of hope should she have left?

 

Numb.

Living physically, but mentally paralyzed.

She looked into the eye of the storm, but she was only showered with more dishonesty.

 

She can’t detach herself from what she built.

Blood, Trust, and Love went into what she built.

Even when they threw dirt on her, she continued to build.

 

Covered in Filth,

But showered in Faith.

She’s now,

Fed up and stagnant.

Confused cause she’s living in days of darkness,

When just across the fence the grass is greener on the other side.

 

But

She keeps faith.

Faith that one day this Monster House

Will become a Master House,

When she’s no longer enslaved by her emotions.

 

The contract contradicts the blue prints.

The feelings filled up to the ceiling,

She doesn’t have insurance to cover that.

Feeling like, she just wants her parents to get that life insurance check.

 

She asks for reassurance, and that triggers a land slide.

She was sliding down the land she once  stood strong, and tall on.

Everything she’s sacrificed is now tumbling with her.

Now she’s falling to the depths of the emotional wreckage.

 

How can she ever fathom trust again.

Her hearts gone bankrupt,

Mind said fuck it,

She is about to give up, and settle for that single bedroom apartment.

 

Whose to say she’s going to survive the other storms to come.

Whose to say she won’t.

 

She could be dead because she’s stupid, or living because she fell in love with a joke.

 

-Leighrick