Tag: Consciousness

Pain I Can Touch

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I cut my hand on the bus today,

accidentally on purpose.

I cannot explain to you

how elated I was

and think you’d be able to fathom it.

I mean,

I was able to feel pain.

For those of you who

think this is about me being “emotionally numb“,

….

….

You’re wrong.

I am happy,

Finally…

Finally I feel a pain

I can do something about.

I can see it, touch it, and I can nurture it.

—

—

I rushed home,

instead of grabbing the alcohol,

I grabbed the peroxide,

Washed my hands twice,

and applied an even coat of Neosporin.

I dropped everything when I entered my room.

I laid on my bed, staring at in awe of my palm.

I cannot stop smiling.

Finally,

I have been hurt, but

I can do something about it.

I can see the wound,  putting a band-aid for comfort.

I can watch my bodies progression, as the new skin arrives,

reminding me that this pain is only temporary.

Overjoyed that I remember my blood is red and not black.

I guess you can say,

it cut me on the right hand,

but really…

it did.

This pain influenced this poem, so I took some advice and

I

Showed

My

Pain.

-Leighrick

Good Bye to the Marvins

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Knock, Knock

 “Who goes there?”

 Marvin!

I ask, “Marvin who?“, and then the knocking stops…

 I ask, “Is this the same Marvin, who spent his days locked up in that room where everything happened?”

 [Yes]

He’s calling me:

Intoxicated with Regret and High off Pride?

Dressed head to toe in the suit of persuasion with selfish fragrance.

A man sick, because of his cold heart.

A man who lacks guidance, empty, because he lacks soul..

[Yes]

The one who intrudes up my phone, begging and pleading me?

Disrespecting, the man I maybe with, someone I had hoped for him to be.

Now longing to be reacquainted, because I shortened our relationship and ceased all communication.

[Yes]

The one who blinded me?

The reason I am no longer able to look into his eyes, and realize potential.

I only see who you are now.

The true intentions in the eyes of this individual.

I am peeping through this peephole, with the eyes of the people.

Everyone who claims to have known “Love“, heard the bells ringing,

they saw the white fences, gowns, and pictured bands around their fingers.

Until they heard the church bells, and instead knocking on the door, God knocked the walls down.

Reminding you, that you can answer the call and respond to his messages,

but keep in mind he has the wrong message in the texts he’s sent —

You know you accidentally ignore the call, knowing he’s to prideful to apologize,

but the silence of his emotions will leave that voicemail.

And it continues…

[Marvin’s at the door yelling]

“Fuck that new dude that you love so bad!”

 [I’m yelling back]

“Fuck you too, for not realizing what you had!“

 [Marvin Yells]

“I know you still think about the times we had!”

 [I open the door]

Exactly baby that’s the point, had as in the past.

You are now just a memory…

I’ve put you behind the glass, reminding myself to cherish the experience, but never relive the misery.

I’ve relieved myself of thoughts that you could ever change & will never be honest with yourself nor I.

[Slams the door]

“Now go back to those females, that play your game.“

 [Knock, Knock]

“Who is it?”

[Marvin]: “I’m just saying you could do better — tell me have you heard that lately?“

[Me]: To answer your question, yes people have BEEN telling, I can do better…

And I know you’ve been hearing that from other females regularly.

You fell into it.

I haven’t tried —

I’m not able end something I once put my all in, and move onto something new, rejuvenated.

And although I haven’t decided to do better,

the door of opportunity is locked.

So now you can sit and continue your addiction of looking at random broads naked pictures, and talking about how you almost had me fooled.

But I’m glad you came knocking on my door; I finally peeped my head through the hole you were digging me.

Otherwise I would never be able to climb out and brush the dirt from those feelings off my chest,

And the saying: “The grass is greener on the other side“….

Might mean a lot more to you.

You can keep my heart and that tag around your neck as a memorandum of the things you’ve sacrificed for less.

With that said,

Let us have a toast for the Marvins,

and I say

GoodBYE to the Marvins.

-Leighrick

Psalms 91

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This Morning…

This Morning I awoke from a Dream, petrified.

I was sitting in a pew, and was whisked away blindfolded.

This Morning…

This Morning I awoke from that Dream, petrified.

I rose from my slumber, exhausted, confused, and intimidated.

Trying to leave my bed, but it has turned into a swamp.

Drenched in emotions and adrenaline, I drown.

This Afternoon…

This Afternoon I awoke, and gave truth to the meaning :

“Sleep is the cousin of Death”

I took the leap of faith out of my bed, praying that these wooden floors wouldn’t turn to quick sand.

I calm myself.

I make myself breakfast for the first time in weeks,

because my brain was suffering from malnutrition.

Not your cliche Food for thought,

but more like the last taste of food before an execution.

I ate.

Today I woke up with a foreign feeling.

It seemed as though God was making a Long Distance phone call to me,

and some how it got intercepted and misinterpreted,

I disconnected myself for all communication, and left the phone off the hook.

Figuring if I silence all my problems, these alien feelings will go back to their homeland of seclusion,

and leave me the hell alone.

Only,

My dream became real.

This feelings blinded me with the mirror of my reflection, and like a stork,

they carried me in their mouths and delivered me to the doorsteps of my conflict.

The issues that birthed this misguided monstrosity,

looked down on me,

but like a baby I couldn’t comprehend why I have been apprehended from my tranquility,

a place in which I call home.

While present in physicality, yet idle in mind —

The television was no longer poising my mind, but replenishing my conscience.

On this journey to meet the problems that created me,

I discover understanding.

Something so simple as washing the dishes,

gave knowledge that the things most overlooked consume the biggest life lessons.

I stand up and stop kneeling down to these mistakes.

I need to regain balance; as the stork was delivering me back to my dormant mind,

it dropped in me a body of water.

This afternoon….

I awoke leaning up against a wall,

drenched in water, I was cleansing myself of low self-esteem.

As I cleansed my self with a black soaped dove, I felt purity again,

as regret stormed down the drain.

Finished,

The towel, like my love ones soaked up any disbelief of their love for me.

I am clean.

I rest.

For tonight…

Tonight,

The sun is my kiss goodnight.

The birds are my lullaby.

I thought I shut all doors and windows,

but stealthier than the I air breathe,

Insomnia crept up on me and suffocated my pillow with my thoughts.

Wrapped with a blanket of restlessness,

The birds continually ease my soul in to slumber,

and as I fade, the Sun gently kisses my forehead,

My deprivation tucks me in, and I sleep…like a baby,

Until a couple of hours pass, and I wake up again

I look out the window, and the Sun has been screaming —

I am trying to restore the balance in my life; however right now,

Sleep is not Kin to me; therefore, we’ve become unfamiliar faces.

I just wish these thought clouds of anticipation would precipitate patience.

But,

I cannot just sit around under this umbrella, and wait for dreams to come true.

So,

I will reacquaint myself with sleep,

extract love from my dreams,

and deliver myself success

Beautiful Struggle.

Because the truth is, it doesn’t really matter who I used to be.

Its all about who Ive become. 

Next time I will be sure to put my phone on vibrate.

-Leighrick

Visual Letter : To Whom It May Concern

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Dear Reader,

Shut your eyes to the world, but open them wide for my thoughts.
Stop allowing the background noise to interfere.
Channel my voice.
Read this poem alone.

          I’ve been echoing the same message. I’ve been screaming for someone to catch me as I am falling, and it still hasn’t happened. It’s true what they say, “you are your own worse enemy“. If you feel like your alright now….you’re not.

          I am the best at mental hide-n-go-seek, because I’ve been lost inside my mind for years now. No one has found me and I wonder sometimes if anyone is even looking. Would they know what or who to look for? — I’ve tricked myself, I set a trap and I fell for it. I fell forward into a sea of misunderstandings, and now I’m drowning.
No wonder I Love the beach…

          I have convinced myself I was happy, because Love had found me. Now I feel as though it is a facade and I am witnessing it deteriorating…right-in-front-of-my-face.

          Everyone is acting as enemies, but to their convince they shape up and play for the same team. They yell, curse, presuade, manipulate, downsize, lack faith…What they don’t know is I’ve already beaten them to it. I’ve been doing this to myself all these years, no wonder the real me is hiding.

 

Don’t stop reading yet…

I need someone to vent to.

 

          Writing is all I got, even though people have the ability to read they still don’t understand my lingo. I wonder do you understand my message? When you read this do you see a motion picture taking place in your head? Can you see me stressing, running out of ways to keep my sanity?!

Picture this: Imagine me in a room, locked door, and sealed windows. Laying on an air-mattress, floating in a pool of ink. Forever laying in a bed without the ability to sleep. IM SUPPOSE TO BE HAPPY. Supposedly that’s what everyone wants for me. I don’t see that shit though, their double standards are about as consistent as when the wind blows. I suppose some of a little bit is true.

          I’ll just remain being happy under everyone’s conditions; I dont know how they didnt pick up on it. All my poems are little clues. At least one person picked up on em, but he pushes me away too. Then again I am he, and he is me…so I guess in an essence it’s just me hiding from myself again. I don’t know when he’ll realize that he is my reflection, or that whenever any type of stress is present, we’re both in pain.

          I’ve learned this Love is serious, and every time an obstacle presented its self we got through it. We celebrated, after the 5min party, we retreat back into the darkness. Day light savings, we fall back, so the light doesnt remain long.

          Basically, what the fuck I am trying to say is, my mind is a Jail. I am stuck, no bail. Handcuffed to the bars of my cell, so i turned my phone off. I dont want any visitors.

 

…That’s all I guess, this piece was pretty pointless. I hope my words provided pictures. So when you see me smile, you know its not genuine. These poems are all tears from when I cry..A cry for help, to find myself inside my mind.

          Hopefully when you took this glance throughout my thought process. You got a little glimpse of the lost Candace, and you can tell me where to look next.

–Leighrick

Seeing Sinking Ships

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Seeing Sinking Ships

I see you rowing the boat I was once stuck in.

I was looking for an island or somewhere to rest my head,

Cause I was stressing from the questions.

I was hurt from the guilt of winds that kept blowing in my direction.

I know it hurts and even with a life vest on, it still feels as tho you’re drowning.

That relation-ship’s anchor broke loose and left a hole.

You’re sinking in your melancholy, yet you find yourself floating in the right direction.

Peep the radars, even in extreme stealth they’ll still manage to find you.

Hearts ain’t no joke, so what’s suppose to be punchlines are more like knockouts.

Some how this all defines you —

What do you do when the person you love defies you?

All this time staring love in the face, but it was made up…

They threw your heart back in your face, you were being lied to.

What should you do?

Your heart cant think, but your mind is the reason you feel the way you do.

All the broken promises and fuzzy memories.

I remember — you don’t need to keep reminding me of what we use to be!

How could this even be?

How was I not able to see?

Falling for another, yet you always seem to catch me.

I had grown complacent with it being a thought,  maybe even a reoccurring dream, but I refuse to make this pain my reality.

–Leighrick

Unfinished Eulogy

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Lights off.

Candles burning.

Eyes closed.

Heart hurting.

I find no condolences in loneliness.

My bed is comforting, but there’s too much space.

As my pillows lend their shoulders to me, I plead my case.

I plead the 5th.

Well…this 5th I got in my hand.

Minus about 3 oz,

so you can add whatever left

of this 8th..

I just want something to draw a smile from me, without misery being written all over my face.

His name permanently engraved,

We’re hangin’ on a thread,

I guess symbolically this chain, and I tend to notice its

been lingering to left side,

where the melancholy is the strongest..

With these words, Ive built sentences

and with these sentences, Ive filled notebooks.

A literary chest to store these memories

being ready to be put at rest, but

within these notebooks,

I have written a thousand drafts of Eulogies,

but have never finished one.

Its like being 3 1/2 feet deep

negotiating with Satan,

because Ive already been to Hell and back

trying to attain some truth and knowledge behind, Real Love.

But

the other half of me

is being cradled by God,

In a dream, but it seems nothing less than real.

I’m not gonna lie some nights I contemplate it.

Life without him has been a Broadway play, without the music.

So much potential yet so much pressure, enough to make someone lose it.

And I did,

within the “it”

I lost “I”

So really…

I’m still looking for the two of us.

Phantoms of you appear seldom,

only because I know you’ll never be here,

but its my Guilty Pleasure.

Still —

I am here…

Lights off.

Candles burning.

Eyes closed.

Heart yearning, but Mind careful.

I am Sorry tho,

I had to get that off my chest,

My whole thing is, I am afraid.

There’s no other place my heart would be,

than on my sleeve, for all to see, cause….

there’s no doubt

I still love him.

-Leighrick

Opposites Attract : You Can’t Choose Love

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She see’s the mask your hiding behind.

Your life is like a charades game.

You’re living with the finer things,

But she see’s your dying inside.

Leaving a piece of yourself with all these misses,

But what your missing is the mate; in which your soul’s been trying to find.

How can you find love,

If your not searching for the love you have for self?

Who hurt you, to make you hurt her?

Suddenly all those “last times” turn into an eternity

And now, when she hears “I’m sorry“, it’s meaningless.

Why?

Why do you do the opposite of what you feel?

Even still she suffers from love, because she just wants you feel.

Feel something!

She stuck in his story,

because he hasn’t dealt with what’s happened in the past.

She stays.

At a distance, but in a way

At an arms reach.

He sees, yes he sees too.

Past the facade she displays,

She’s weary, but her journey continues.

Not sure whether she should stay stationed in this storm until the sunshine,

or move on past the grey skies, because she aware of other shelter.

But why?

Why did she leave?

Why didn’t she stay?

Comprised beliefs.

False visions of the future.

Repressed disbelief.

But.

She stays.

He comes and goes as he pleases.

She stays.

Occasionally he sees himself in the mirror.

So…she stays.

Because she sees what he refuses.

He believes what she denies.

And still–

Love chooses to stay.

Love knows what they both don’t.

Love knows if and when to fade.

So,

When Love makes its decision.

They’ll both know the feeling of pain.

Either in dismiss or rejoice.

This rain,

This rain,

Hasn’t only rained on one persons house.

Still,

This journey of the Geminis continues,

so this too shall pass. . . . .

 –Leigrick