Tag: Self-Love

Bed Spread

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There’s too much confusion just to let the dust settle.

The shit hit the fan, and now my heart is in shambles.

Trying to pick-up all the pieces to the puzzle, but those missing have been swept under the rug.

I got this illness…

Love Sick.

Curious, yet left without answers

The bush is not the only thing being beaten around.

I no longer wake up with a smile,

Now I live in a frown.

My heart is building up its walls again, a safer house.

Resentment unfortunately is the foundation for my anger.

These lies have enclosed my heart in inflammation.

My mind couldn’t keep its thoughts off premeditated suicide.

I enter the panic room.

I put this love gun to my temple, as tears of passion run down my cheeks;

While my trigger finger frees me, and fills my medulla-oblongata with these hollow tip uncertainties.

Bloodshed, my loves sinks beneath me, and a sea of red is engulfed by my bedsheets.

Death Bed.

My last thought hoping some trtuh will come of sacrifice.

Label me another

“Premeditated Love Suicide“

-Leighrick

Semi Auto Biography

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AS

I boomed the box that music yelled out of; I gave birth {Chaot!c}, and like Geppeto did Pinocchio molded her into me, Leighrick. This means that we are Chaos. {Chaot!c} climbed out my mouth, she phoned home to the mic, and Leighrick born enraged killed this pad with my pen. She pulled the words out my soul very grotesquely. They examined the lines, they called it a holy mess. They labeled this crime scene a catastrophe. Through the mirror they gave me a cold stare, as {Chaot!c} began to write on the walls.

The Four Walls Read:

Wall 1:

“They only hunt me because my swank is extinct. Last of a dying breed. Endangered Species. You almost caught me.”

–Leighrick

Every where they went, they left trails of authenticity. Originality is now a crime, follow the rest. These felons are wanted for handwriting life sentences. It seems they became restless, the pen was the choice of weapon, and the paper became the victim…

They Turned.

Wall 2: The Story of Life!

“The chemicals spilled mixed with the mic, and experienced technical difficulties with our vocal chords. Your imagination has short circuited.“

-{Chaot!c}

Spelled out in the spilled ink was Leighrick. A Nuclear Devastation. {Chaot!c} became jealous and stalked her. She seeped into her soul and she absorbed it like a sponge…

By the time they got to read what the 4th wall, they had vanished. More to the left was a hole is the wall curved to fit the shape of her multiple personalities, yet it was the shape of a music note.

Wall 3 had read: “Freedom Rings, Peaces!“.

Staring at signatures, they sat there with the most sour grimace, and repeated

Wall 4:”Sanity is Fiction and Dreams are Reality“

– Candace

Sincerely,

{Chaot!c}, Leighrick, & Candace…

Confessions

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So as I recline behind these lies

Seeking to find my own peace of mind, avoiding the real troubles of life.

I take a step back behind the glass of my memories museum, to look at myself in the complicating process and try to explain

why my body’s dictionary defines you as necessary.

I feel nostalgic, because I am longing to re-embrace that one time you and I shared the same smile.

Only that is in the past…and this dedication to you is a blast from the future.

 

So as I sit at my computer —

 

Trying to let the past marinate into my fingers,

enabling  my conscience to go through this hard laboring pain,

of motioning my words and molding them into the harsh daggers of the truth compiled of words

developing into similes & personifications.

They stop…

While my minds racing, yet nothing is appearing upon the screen because in reality….

Depicting my feelings onto one lonely piece of paper is just like talking to myself,

only the pen is responding with curves and loops,

and all that’s left written on the paper was the word

Liar……

 

[Liar:”to be untruthful“]

 

See the lies Ive told you, allowed me to realize…

Love isn’t strong enough. Love isn’t visible or existing, just like time.

I’ve discovered: “Love is an ability, not a feeling“.

And noticing the stupidity of being played, makes you feel even worse than having

your heart broken by someone who had a mutual feeling of “Love”

 

Today…

I came across my emotions, and every night before that I go to sleep,

With my heart still asking me…Why?

Why do I keep allowing my heart to get tangled in the obstacles of this game you normal beings call life?

 

Let me sit and list:

All the times I was fine with calling you back to your convenience.

All the times I didn’t mind if you didn’t have the time to kick back. (again to your convenience)

All the times I told you that you weren’t wasting my time,

 

But see there’s when I lied

Because you always felt it necessary to bless me with your presence or voice,

whenever you were bored out of your mind, or feeling a bit “lonely” on the bed-side.

But now its about time I be upfront, because with our relationship was comprised of lies.

 

I just wish I had the courage to tell you the truth.

Instead of hearing you repeat ever so famous white lie.

“I Love You Too Baby”

 

-Leighrick©

Letter to the Future [Lost Children pt 1]

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Dear Lost Children,

I am writing you this letter, asking you to take my hand. I would like us to take a trip to see this countries past. I am writing you this letter letting you know not to be scared, because I am here to prepare you. I know you yearn for knowledge and guidance, but they’re hiding and burning the books in which some truths are kept (in order to sustain this well lit Hell). I know you are starving, but please child, do not kneel to the Golden Arches of the Burger Kings. I know you want to play, but please don’t roam these streets following the blind, and unattended.

You may ask, “who am I?” or “who are you?“; I am the Present and you are the Future. You see — I am writing you this letter as a gift, so TURN OFF THE TELEVISION and READ. I know you’re young, therefore you need to understand they are killing Our Mother, Our Sisters, and Our Brothers! But this Nation was founded on lies and corruption, so you have every right to blame our Fore Fathers.

Lost Children you may not be concerned because they’ve put you in a box, and marked the target with an “X“, but Ive come to help heal you. They are trying to strip you of everything. I hand-down to you any and everything I have to ensure your Knowledge and Safety.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION! I know it’s hard because your young, don’t let them trick you into thinking you have some disorder, they are just scared at the fact that I’m lining you up like soldiers and preparing for you the take over. I can BET my life and guarantee that these next couple of 16 years wont be so sweet. You’re absorbing all this like a sponge, but I refuse to let them dumb you down like Patrick.

TURN OFF THE RADIO! Don’t repeat those demeaning words, I know its hard because the tune is catchy, but my generation is the victim to the venom , and are now they have become lost generals. Listen to me, you Lost Children are our not so distant futures last chance at hope. But you don’t need the whips and chains, to see that this countries is trying make your life worth less  rather than change. Be the change, and the sense, you are worth everything I’ve wrote.

Do not eat the shit they feed you, because it’ll only stunt your growth and widen the chances of you being incapable, but NEVER GIVE UP! And if I am not present, and they so happen to knock you down its okay. Just GET UP, do not stand by and allow them to keep thinking they’re stronger. PUT THAT HAPPY MEAL DOWN!

Lost Children, I know it hurts, but I’m trying to ease the pain and heal you, because these battle scars leave marks embedded in you physically and mentally. I am sorry my children, but war has been declared. I’ll just end this first letter asking you to join me on the next journey, our brother and sister countries, and prepare to save them too….

Reminding you to DROP THE REMOTE & PICK UP BOOKS.

 I will be here to help guide you…

 

LOVE ALWAYS,

 

–Leighrick, The Present

Pain I Can Touch

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I cut my hand on the bus today,

accidentally on purpose.

I cannot explain to you

how elated I was

and think you’d be able to fathom it.

I mean,

I was able to feel pain.

For those of you who

think this is about me being “emotionally numb“,

….

….

You’re wrong.

I am happy,

Finally…

Finally I feel a pain

I can do something about.

I can see it, touch it, and I can nurture it.

—

—

I rushed home,

instead of grabbing the alcohol,

I grabbed the peroxide,

Washed my hands twice,

and applied an even coat of Neosporin.

I dropped everything when I entered my room.

I laid on my bed, staring at in awe of my palm.

I cannot stop smiling.

Finally,

I have been hurt, but

I can do something about it.

I can see the wound,  putting a band-aid for comfort.

I can watch my bodies progression, as the new skin arrives,

reminding me that this pain is only temporary.

Overjoyed that I remember my blood is red and not black.

I guess you can say,

it cut me on the right hand,

but really…

it did.

This pain influenced this poem, so I took some advice and

I

Showed

My

Pain.

-Leighrick

Good Bye to the Marvins

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Knock, Knock

 “Who goes there?”

 Marvin!

I ask, “Marvin who?“, and then the knocking stops…

 I ask, “Is this the same Marvin, who spent his days locked up in that room where everything happened?”

 [Yes]

He’s calling me:

Intoxicated with Regret and High off Pride?

Dressed head to toe in the suit of persuasion with selfish fragrance.

A man sick, because of his cold heart.

A man who lacks guidance, empty, because he lacks soul..

[Yes]

The one who intrudes up my phone, begging and pleading me?

Disrespecting, the man I maybe with, someone I had hoped for him to be.

Now longing to be reacquainted, because I shortened our relationship and ceased all communication.

[Yes]

The one who blinded me?

The reason I am no longer able to look into his eyes, and realize potential.

I only see who you are now.

The true intentions in the eyes of this individual.

I am peeping through this peephole, with the eyes of the people.

Everyone who claims to have known “Love“, heard the bells ringing,

they saw the white fences, gowns, and pictured bands around their fingers.

Until they heard the church bells, and instead knocking on the door, God knocked the walls down.

Reminding you, that you can answer the call and respond to his messages,

but keep in mind he has the wrong message in the texts he’s sent —

You know you accidentally ignore the call, knowing he’s to prideful to apologize,

but the silence of his emotions will leave that voicemail.

And it continues…

[Marvin’s at the door yelling]

“Fuck that new dude that you love so bad!”

 [I’m yelling back]

“Fuck you too, for not realizing what you had!“

 [Marvin Yells]

“I know you still think about the times we had!”

 [I open the door]

Exactly baby that’s the point, had as in the past.

You are now just a memory…

I’ve put you behind the glass, reminding myself to cherish the experience, but never relive the misery.

I’ve relieved myself of thoughts that you could ever change & will never be honest with yourself nor I.

[Slams the door]

“Now go back to those females, that play your game.“

 [Knock, Knock]

“Who is it?”

[Marvin]: “I’m just saying you could do better — tell me have you heard that lately?“

[Me]: To answer your question, yes people have BEEN telling, I can do better…

And I know you’ve been hearing that from other females regularly.

You fell into it.

I haven’t tried —

I’m not able end something I once put my all in, and move onto something new, rejuvenated.

And although I haven’t decided to do better,

the door of opportunity is locked.

So now you can sit and continue your addiction of looking at random broads naked pictures, and talking about how you almost had me fooled.

But I’m glad you came knocking on my door; I finally peeped my head through the hole you were digging me.

Otherwise I would never be able to climb out and brush the dirt from those feelings off my chest,

And the saying: “The grass is greener on the other side“….

Might mean a lot more to you.

You can keep my heart and that tag around your neck as a memorandum of the things you’ve sacrificed for less.

With that said,

Let us have a toast for the Marvins,

and I say

GoodBYE to the Marvins.

-Leighrick

Psalms 91

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This Morning…

This Morning I awoke from a Dream, petrified.

I was sitting in a pew, and was whisked away blindfolded.

This Morning…

This Morning I awoke from that Dream, petrified.

I rose from my slumber, exhausted, confused, and intimidated.

Trying to leave my bed, but it has turned into a swamp.

Drenched in emotions and adrenaline, I drown.

This Afternoon…

This Afternoon I awoke, and gave truth to the meaning :

“Sleep is the cousin of Death”

I took the leap of faith out of my bed, praying that these wooden floors wouldn’t turn to quick sand.

I calm myself.

I make myself breakfast for the first time in weeks,

because my brain was suffering from malnutrition.

Not your cliche Food for thought,

but more like the last taste of food before an execution.

I ate.

Today I woke up with a foreign feeling.

It seemed as though God was making a Long Distance phone call to me,

and some how it got intercepted and misinterpreted,

I disconnected myself for all communication, and left the phone off the hook.

Figuring if I silence all my problems, these alien feelings will go back to their homeland of seclusion,

and leave me the hell alone.

Only,

My dream became real.

This feelings blinded me with the mirror of my reflection, and like a stork,

they carried me in their mouths and delivered me to the doorsteps of my conflict.

The issues that birthed this misguided monstrosity,

looked down on me,

but like a baby I couldn’t comprehend why I have been apprehended from my tranquility,

a place in which I call home.

While present in physicality, yet idle in mind —

The television was no longer poising my mind, but replenishing my conscience.

On this journey to meet the problems that created me,

I discover understanding.

Something so simple as washing the dishes,

gave knowledge that the things most overlooked consume the biggest life lessons.

I stand up and stop kneeling down to these mistakes.

I need to regain balance; as the stork was delivering me back to my dormant mind,

it dropped in me a body of water.

This afternoon….

I awoke leaning up against a wall,

drenched in water, I was cleansing myself of low self-esteem.

As I cleansed my self with a black soaped dove, I felt purity again,

as regret stormed down the drain.

Finished,

The towel, like my love ones soaked up any disbelief of their love for me.

I am clean.

I rest.

For tonight…

Tonight,

The sun is my kiss goodnight.

The birds are my lullaby.

I thought I shut all doors and windows,

but stealthier than the I air breathe,

Insomnia crept up on me and suffocated my pillow with my thoughts.

Wrapped with a blanket of restlessness,

The birds continually ease my soul in to slumber,

and as I fade, the Sun gently kisses my forehead,

My deprivation tucks me in, and I sleep…like a baby,

Until a couple of hours pass, and I wake up again

I look out the window, and the Sun has been screaming —

I am trying to restore the balance in my life; however right now,

Sleep is not Kin to me; therefore, we’ve become unfamiliar faces.

I just wish these thought clouds of anticipation would precipitate patience.

But,

I cannot just sit around under this umbrella, and wait for dreams to come true.

So,

I will reacquaint myself with sleep,

extract love from my dreams,

and deliver myself success

Beautiful Struggle.

Because the truth is, it doesn’t really matter who I used to be.

Its all about who Ive become. 

Next time I will be sure to put my phone on vibrate.

-Leighrick