The Coldest War

Everyone said life was going to be this hard

However, everyone failed to mention the scars would remain, less obvious than outer appearance.

Daily wearing her heart on her sleeve.

Scabs and keloids protrude from untold her-stories,


Belly swollen full of manipulation.

Brain dead,


Self-conscious —


Afraid of self.




A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Her tongue remedial compared to cat like reflexes.

Her own two sense, something she cant afford.


She Wrote.

and so

She Spoke.


She becomes family with led and ink.

In-laws of different colors


A mind is a terrible thing to waste,

as is her pain,

She Wrote.


This lonely child found the comfort in the instruments, the silence, and the trees.


All she wrote repeatedly:







Peers read, what appears?

What is perceived?


The agony brought a smile upon her face, because shes discovered one of her many talents



Just Leave Me.

Leave Her Alone.



Comfort Me.


This little girl is on a scavenger hunt.

She tries to abandon the labels, they hold her back.

She searches for someone to foster her creativity.

She longs for someone to adopt her perception.

Her conscience is an Orphan.


This lonely child is lost in all the love.


Mouth dry as wood.

Eyes shinning bright like dim lights.

These Pinocchio’s snout would grow

if they deny being puppets too.


She just wants to be a real woman.

They hear her speak, but no one


Judgments are passed along,

accompanied by unconditional love.

Under the conditions of seeing thoroughly, only when they chose not to be



so confused.


Life is hard, for that she was prepared.

They keeping telling her to explain herself.

But no one understands her language.

She tries to translate it, but motha fuckas are impatient.


Feeling like a patient, she nursing her thoughts.

Remember, this poor girl is brain dead.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste



The shadow unexpectedly appeared

placed the pen to her temple.

imprinted a hand against her heart,

and pressed her mouth onto hers.


She inhaled comprehension and took her first gasp of LIFE.





She understands her language, she wrote back to her through thoughts, emotions, and intuition.

She spoke.

The first words for a young adult.

“I Love You”

She grew inside her,wisdom, her tears the waters that bloomed this gracious flower.


Everyone told her life was going to be this hard.

She thought her shit would come out softer after the bullshit they fed her,

another fallacy sugar coated.


She’s screaming at her

Lullabies sweet and low.

Her honesty



This Woman is a Solider.

The series of this Coldest War.


To be continued…



Figuratively Speaking

Figuratively Speaking…
Is blood truly thicker than water…I mean figuratively speaking.
How can a friends love not be equal or greater than that of a sibling?
Can a bond between an in-law grow quicker than parent?
Can the love of your partner overwhelm that of your brethren?
They say a family that prays together stays together, but what if there’s no praying at all?
What if the only praying going on, is the preying on ones individuality?
Shouldn’t you accept me as I am?
Isn’t Love unconditional?
Or do you only love me under the conditions of what you think is right?
Why is it that friends always seem to be by your side when you get the bad news,
but when your with family news seems to always be on commercial?
How come in my situation two wrongs didn’t make a right, but still two rights made a wrong?
With that being stated…
One shouldn’t make their past someones present.
The only gift that brings is misunderstood lies, drama, and pain…
This only leaves us clueless.
Please tell me, is this the mis-education of Chemistry?
Why do I feel so distant from the ones I share my DNA with?
I guess Love is Blind….Cause my love for you cant see the love you have for me.
And I guess Love is Deaf too, because you have yet to hear my cries for an answer.
I’m confused yet I’m curious as to what Love has in store for me.
All I really want is the answer to my question, because water has been there for me even when I didn’t want it.
They say you cant live long without water, see because that’s what your body is composed;
without water there is no blood???

Now can you answer my question…
Is blood truly thicker than water…figuratively speaking???


Tarnished Gold

I am in this relationship.


Its not awkward.

Its not violent.

Its not intimate.


Its Silent…


The type of silence when something wants to be said, but is held back.

So I hold back my response, because like always…we’ll get nowhere,

even though we’re riding in this car together.


We’re just silent.



Its like she’s choking on her emotions,

which is suffocating me.



the most said is a greeting.


Just a “Hi” or a “Hello


On the outside our presences seem to be mellow,

but in the depth there is tension, with obviously invisible conflict.


I am that child,

walking in her parents foots steps.


Destined for success

Assuming I don’t want to be heard,

with attributes that speak volumes,

Questioning Love.







We remain silent.



Everything forcing us to make conversation,

but the restraint of her tongue is intimidating.



I am confused.

Within everything that’s been said;

I am still not sure how to perceive it.


Its like my good news is being taken for bad news,

and my bad news for worse,


So I feel like,

Well Shit…


I feel like I’m not even worth the words.



Which is why

I pass by in silence.



I’m afraid, because time is moving quickly.


Silence is known to be deadly, and I see no future assets in this Gold.


Holidays no longer filled with warmth, but with coal.

I try to manufacture some happiness into this relationship,

its not working….


My heart keeps sinking,

deeper and deeper and deeper.


This relationship goes deeper than the wounds we’ve made visible,

These hand-me-down scars are invisible.


Now its not just the suffering of one,

everyone’s worn their heart on their sleeve at some point.



There is no Freedom of Speech.

Divided we stand, and united we have fallen.


But when its too hard to stand,

Ive learned, its okay to kneel.


Only when I’m down here, I’m asking for her hand,

because this relationship is until death do us part.


Although it’s killing me trying to comprehend.

I will not stop.


I know love exists,

I just hope the first steps to rebuild our foundation,

We can share a smile.


The real kind,

and not the ones forced by Silence.




Beast Wars

Someone tame the madness that came from the belly of this beast.

Unfortunately this Evil is heredity.

Tainted fertilization.

Never to be blamed, but

I never felt a cry so violent.

Never seen love rejected so immediately.

With eyes so dominate.

The beast hides behind the beauty despite her being transparent.

The reflection in the mans mirror, ones crying and ones yelling.

Separate ways but the same intentions.

Darkness with no knowledge of Light.

Future could be bright, but in that household they don’t allow night lights.


So my hands together

Despite my anger.

I take all pleasure in prayer.

In my heart I’m feeling sympathy,

But in my mind currently, I am furious.

Premeditated Living.

Listening may be rare but imitating is surely present.

To hurt the ones you love could only be the devils presence.


That’s Karma at the door, not a Jehovah-Witness…


To be continued…



Miserys Company

Im feeling lost and hopeless

In the place I grew up, but homeless.

Invisible — everyone seeing past me, but not in depth.


All along I’ve been at home and I left.

Now I’m homeless, heartless, only thing I understand is death.


I left to come back to closed minds, closed eyes, deaf ears and little to no time.


To see that look in my Grandmothers eyes when I tell her I’m in Love.

Tell her that since I’ve been gone, I’ve done some growing up.


To cut the leash and puppet strings.

To close the open books, in my libraries of knowledge.


To handle responsibilities.

So that when I return, WE may continue to be top priority.


I’m trying to surpress the thoughts, but the stage I’m in, I think they call that a relapse.

Thoughts of pressing the pen to my temple or the pencil in my chest.


He gave me all of him, and I left now he feels as though he has nothing left.

But what I don’t think he’s feeling is my heart pressed against his chest.

My bodys presence in his bed.

My soul in his eyes

My mind in his hands…


There’s been several sleepless nights because of it.

Everyone wants to turn their back

When I’m screaming at the top of my lungs

I dont want to be here!

Everyone shuts their eyes when I tell them

Look! I gotta plan

And now everyone is stressing, thinking, they’re never gone see me again.



That’s all the problems and the reasons.


I’ve outgrown my shell, and now I’m feeling homeless.

Time is moving too slow for me and now I’m feeling hopeless.

Everything is changing, but I’m still motivated.


No laugh is genuine.

Text message “I love you’s” don’t seem as intimate.

Staring into his eyes through pictures, brings tears to mine because now their just memories.


Sleepless because I know when I wake up he won’t be right next to me.

Dreamless, because being with him is all I envision.


There’s always a catch 22.

I regret it, but I know it’ll be right when I come back.

It’s hard being apart because it shouldn’t be like this.


My love for him is greater than the miles we’re apart.

I never felt love like this before, but that’s cause he’s always had my heart.


Everyone wants to talk to me.

Everyone thinks I’m crazy.

I don’t want to talk to the people I know, or to someone I don’t.


All I need is him, and a pen, with sheets, and sheets, and sheets, and sheets of paper.


I write because I can’t speak.


Everyone thinks it’s Puppy Love, but I don’t give a fuck what people think.

Shit a dog is 7 times older than humans so our love is way above infancy.


I’m ending this shit.

I hope some of y’all deaf mofos hear me.



When It Hurts So Bad

Instill your strength in me.


Retell your history through your eyes.


Whisper your power of forgiveness.




When it hurts so bad,


Embrace me.




Holding your hand I feel your vibrant soul.


Your minds working against time —


And my words are fighting the same battle.


Allow me to be your shield in this imaginary war.


Share with me the freedom of releasing our pains through tears.




When it hurts so bad,


Embrace me.




Lauryn said it the best, “what you want might make you cry




When it hurts so bad.


It feels so good.




I love you.




Why does it feel so good, when it hurts so bad?




Your smile numbs my thoughts.


Your laughter hinders any regrets.




Instill your strength in me and I’ll stand strong.


Your eyes tell stories non-revealed.




When it hurts so bad,


Embrace me.




As much as I’m not there beside you.


I place my hand upon your heart and remember the warmth.


History speaks although your words remain silent.




When it hurts so bad,


Embrace me.




You are my everything,


my heart beats differently,


thoughts of you replace my animosity.




When it hurts,


Who will I embrace?


When your not here ?




I Love You.





Conscious Dreamin’

I’d be lying if I say I didn’t want to go back.


As I’m lying on my back,

An abundance of thoughts are racing through my head, so its hard to stay on track.

It’s December and I’m having dreams of Santa placing me in my fathers lap.

A stork delivering me between my mothers legs.


Flashbacks holding my Sisters hands, they’re teaching me how to dance.


Walk down stairs to sneak something to eat, and see my brothers red hands.

I’d be lying if I say I didn’t want to go back.



And as I’m lying on my back,

Numerous thoughts race through my head, so its hard to stay on track.

I see me sitting on the table as my grandmother feeds me.

I wont bite the hand, rather admire the gentleness of them.

Now I’m running across the grass blowing bubbles with my cousins.

There’s an elephant in the room, but won’t nobody say nothing.


And as I’m lying on my back,

A plethora of thoughts race through my head, so its hard to stay on track.

Hey ! I’m cruising; riding a bike that won’t take me anywhere.

I remember Grandmas red beans & rice, cabbage, and spaghetti nobody would want to share.

There’s a hole in my stockings” I said, but she always had an extra pair.

I can still hear Wild Bill calling me the prettiest girl

Opening my eyes during the long prayer

Admiring my nephew as he plays in his mothers hair

Her stomach round my niece is in there.


And as I’m lying on my back

An overflow of thoughts race through my head, so its hard to stay on track

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to go back.

When we gathered together and laughed until we shed tears.

Every household had a secret that they didn’t want to share

I keep smiling sitting at the table with no one there.

So I fill in the empty seats with memories.

Now I’m remember this place, and never meant for it to come here.

The real estate I’m on is now a couch I call my home.


And as I’m lying on my back

Thoughts are shadowing memories, so it’s hard to place a bet

Who would win this war the guilt or  the hard head

In a room with 4 walls and no ceilings,

No doors, windows, or ladders,

How the fuck do I get out of here?

Everything around me happened so fast, why do I feel like I’m in slow motion?


As I’m lying on my back

I pack this bowl and drink this potion.

Who would’ve thought I’d be the sucker for love

I never showed emotion.

But I feel my heart skip a couple beats every time I hold my Grandmothers hand.

I tend to rethink everything I could have done different.

I’m trying to cherish time, but how am I suppose to do that if I cant even get a grasp of it?


And as I’m lying on my back,

I never thought it would have come to this.

A point where I can’t even finish this without

adding a couple “What Ifs“, a couple “Maybes

Thinking — is it best to be myself, or what I am expected to be?

Then I think again

Should I have even wrote this?

Many will read into a misconstrued message.


Fuck it tho


As I’m lying on my back

I find no reason to lie.

I wish I could go back just to make more memories…..