Monthly Archives: June 2013

When It Hurts So Bad

Instill your strength in me.

 

Retell your history through your eyes.

 

Whisper your power of forgiveness.

 

 

 

When it hurts so bad,

 

Embrace me.

 

 

 

Holding your hand I feel your vibrant soul.

 

Your minds working against time —

 

And my words are fighting the same battle.

 

Allow me to be your shield in this imaginary war.

 

Share with me the freedom of releasing our pains through tears.

 

 

 

When it hurts so bad,

 

Embrace me.

 

 

 

Lauryn said it the best, “what you want might make you cry

 

 

 

When it hurts so bad.

 

It feels so good.

 

 

 

I love you.

 

 

 

Why does it feel so good, when it hurts so bad?

 

 

 

Your smile numbs my thoughts.

 

Your laughter hinders any regrets.

 

 

 

Instill your strength in me and I’ll stand strong.

 

Your eyes tell stories non-revealed.

 

 

 

When it hurts so bad,

 

Embrace me.

 

 

 

As much as I’m not there beside you.

 

I place my hand upon your heart and remember the warmth.

 

History speaks although your words remain silent.

 

 

 

When it hurts so bad,

 

Embrace me.

 

 

 

You are my everything,

 

my heart beats differently,

 

thoughts of you replace my animosity.

 

 

 

When it hurts,

 

Who will I embrace?

 

When your not here ?

 

 

 

I Love You.

 

 

 

-Leighrick

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An Ode to Roller Coasters

Please excuse me if it seems like I’m just going through the motions.

It’s just I never rode this roller-coaster.

this is my first time and I’m so full of emotions.

I’ve been through so many loops, being upside down was normal to me.

The pain of heart dropping into my stomach, has never been attended to.

But with you, this ride is different, its a natural high without a

destination, unless its towards everlasting ecstasy.

Some think they’re at the top and that’s when their carts get stuck.

Then they drop unexpectedly yet it was secretly anticipated.

Even still, this roller-coaster has been shaky.

My heart is finally tied down, security.

However, this bliss might just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Because unlike like the others on this ride,

I don’t scream.

 

-Leighrick

Devils Food Cake : Opposite Day

I don’t touch that bottle

my father’s finger prints are permanent,

Sometimes he’d mistake my neck for a bottle.

 

They say the Skyy is the limit,

but he didn’t think that was enough.

Blood brothers with Jack,

Intoxicated visions of him being Daniel

In a lions den, I remember vividly

as he got up from his throne, and slammed the door

Lying telling me he’d be right back.

 

Every attempt my mother took to turn her back

He’d whip it.

Repeatedly, Repeatedly, Repeatedly

Cries like a broken record,

Broken heart

Broken ribs

No Protection.

And

he’d leave with a satisfied appetite of affection.

 

We had covered all mirrors in the house,

Bruised pride

Swollen eyes

and a transparent reflection.

 

We were only dependents

with no sense of declaration.

Longing to be rescued,

but cowardly courage was always a distraction.

No ends to support our means.

No knowledge of definitions,

 

Love was pain

and Love was what we longed for,

so our only option was to remain.

 

He was raping our personalities.

We were no longer people,

but soon to be fatalities.

 

And we were.

 

 

On the anniversary of my birth,

he turned the station wagon into a hearse,

and while he was driving,

he was trying to decipher his reality from his wishes

and as the vehicle  was swerving,

I threw up regret, and —

 

 

I woke up.

At last, the truth was revealed

the world was finally upside down,

like I had always thought it’d been.

 

I remember rounds of hollow tips

were fired into the vacancy of my chest,

but in my dream I had mistaken the sound of my mothers screams for bullets.

 

 

On the anniversary of my birth…

My father killed my Mother,

My mother gave birth to my baby Brother,

and God taught him how to fly,

before my father stripped him of his wings.

 

So when I woke up,

My father presented me with an upside down cake,

and with out saying any words,

he looked me deep past my eyelids,

wiped my eyes,

and said ‘Happy Birthday’.

 

 

There is no limit to Skyy,

No better friends than E&J,

No Better Amo than Yeager-bombs,

and

No better Freedom than Death.

 

Leighrick©

Psalms 91

This Morning…

 

This Morning I awoke from a Dream, petrified.

I was sitting in a pew, and was whisked away blindfolded.

 

This Morning…

 

This Morning I awoke from that Dream, petrified.

 

I rose from my slumber, exhausted, confused, and intimidated.

Trying to leave my bed, but it has turned into a swamp.

Drenched in emotions and adrenaline, I drown.

 

This Afternoon…

 

This Afternoon I awoke, and gave truth to the meaning :

“Sleep is the cousin of Death”

I took the leap of faith out of my bed, praying that these wooden floors wouldn’t turn to quick sand.

 

I calm myself.

 

I make myself breakfast for the first time in weeks,

because my brain was suffering from malnutrition.

Not your cliche Food for thought,

but more like the last taste of food before an execution.

 

I ate.

 

Today I woke up with a foreign feeling.

 

It seemed as though God was making a Long Distance phone call to me,

and some how it got intercepted and misinterpreted,

I disconnected myself for all communication, and left the phone off the hook.

Figuring if I silence all my problems, these alien feelings will go back to their homeland of seclusion,

and leave me the hell alone.

 

Only,

My dream became real.

This feelings blinded me with the mirror of my reflection, and like a stork,

they carried me in their mouths and delivered me to the doorsteps of my conflict.

The issues that birthed this misguided monstrosity,

looked down on me,

but like a baby I couldn’t comprehend why I have been apprehended from my tranquility,

a place in which I call home.

 

While present in physicality, yet idle in mind —

The television was no longer poising my mind, but replenishing my conscience.

 

On this journey to meet the problems that created me,

I discover understanding.

 

Something so simple as washing the dishes,

gave knowledge that the things most overlooked consume the biggest life lessons.

 

I stand up and stop kneeling down to these mistakes.

 

I need to regain balance; as the stork was delivering me back to my dormant mind,

it dropped in me a body of water.

 

This afternoon….

 

I awoke leaning up against a wall,

drenched in water, I was cleansing myself of low self-esteem.

As I cleansed my self with a black soaped dove, I felt purity again,

as regret stormed down the drain.

Finished,

The towel, like my love ones soaked up any disbelief of their love for me.

I am clean.

 

I rest.

 

For tonight…

 

Tonight,

The sun is my kiss goodnight.

The birds are my lullaby.

I thought I shut all doors and windows,

but stealthier than the I air breathe,

Insomnia crept up on me and suffocated my pillow with my thoughts.

Wrapped with a blanket of restlessness,

The birds continually ease my soul in to slumber,

and as I fade, the Sun gently kisses my forehead,

My deprivation tucks me in, and I sleep…like a baby,

 

Until a couple of hours pass, and I wake up again

I look out the window, and the Sun has been screaming —

 

I am trying to restore the balance in my life; however right now,

Sleep is not Kin to me; therefore, we’ve become unfamiliar faces.

I just wish these thought clouds of anticipation would precipitate patience.

But,

I cannot just sit around under this umbrella, and wait for dreams to come true.

 

So,

I will reacquaint myself with sleep,

extract love from my dreams,

and deliver myself success

 

 

Beautiful Struggle.

Because the truth is, it doesn’t really matter who I used to be.

Its all about who Ive become. 

 

Next time I will be sure to put my phone on vibrate.

 

-Leighrick

Operate On Me

Operate on the patient.

 

It seems she’s lost her patience.

 

The machine’s beeping is slowing down.

 

There is no heart. She seems to need a replacement.

 

An ice sickle lodged in her chest.

 

No wonder she is so still..

 

Remaining non-responsive..

 

She’ll be sent to rehab, she cant recall the feeling.

 

Numb from all previous emotional beatings.

 

She is weary from the world’s revolving, she grabbed the revolver, and turned her back on the world.

 

The Doctors go in for surgery, as she lies unconscious asking God,

 

Who murdered me?

They told me emotions were a bitch, but I didn’t think she ever heard of me!

 

 

She’s angry.

 

The nurses forgot to stick her with the IV.

Now pain is the only joy she seeks.

 

Four doctors all inside her, trying relocate her heart, but they’re only blind, to what they don’t want to see.

Her heart is there; instead look what its grown to be.

Embodying an igloo — a shelter for the feelings she never learned to release.

 

She never felt capable.

 

Staring down at the table, screaming at the doctors

Someone Help Me!”.…..”Please!”

 

Her feelings are confusing because ironically agony brings her relief.

 

The world is in the waiting room anticipating her release, with a knife in the back pocket. Aimed at her back, for the next time she attempts to flee.

 

Unfortunately we don’t know which paralyzed her, the world or the doctors operating.

 

However now she is alive and conscience…except without much strength to feel

 

Currently she sits alone rehabilitating her trust.

 

Is insurance overrated?

 

Leighrick

Gem-In-Eye

I wrote this exactly 3 years ago 6/10/10 for my little sister when she was a Freshman and I was a Senior in H.S. Once a teammate always family…. On June 10th, 2013 — she turned 18 years old, has gone to prom, graduated high school, and is now going off to college. My…how time flies! I love you Lil Mama!

For Dominique,

When I look in the mirror I see you.
June is the month…twins are the symbol.
You are my kindness when I’m angry.
The smile to my frown.
The understanding of my peculiarity.

The soundtrack of your laughter drowns out all my sorrows,
And if it wasn’t for you, I’d barely be able to look forward to tomorrow.

We favor Big Heads, Small Eyes, Light-Brown Skin, and Deep hearts.

Your are the mini me, from our first conversation I felt you were long lost kin to me.

I look deeper into the mirror and I see more of you.
I see the Gym-In-Eye… And I’ve tried to make some sense of 15 but sometimes I just end up a nickle short.

My twin minus 10…plus 4…equals 14.

The frame for this mirror cannot uphold this much innocence.
I check my outfit and today..I want to wear my heart on my sleeve, so today when everyone reads my shirt it’ll read, “Dominique”

As I put my hand up to touch the mirror…I gaze into the warmth of the brown.
And this I see a Gem-In-[my]Eye.

Last night I dreamed a stork delivered you to the house I call a gym.
Your basket was made of orange leather, your pillow comforts your strength, I unravel your blanket of confidence, and change your diaper because it has absorbed all of your weakness. I dress you with a shirt that reads, “teach me“. Your first steps were you driving, and your first words were good game, and many times I’ve seen you destroy all odds that were against you.

I’ve comforted you when you cried about being in the middle, which is a sign you’ll make it top the top. With your head held high, determination of your heart, the guidance of your mind, and eyes locked on your destination.

But then,I sat with you in the middle of the court, holding you in my arms. I watched you sleep…exhaling your doubts and worries, and inhaling your humility.

Around you is where I can always find the peace in me, and discover a piece of me…You.

I wrote you this poem, so like a mirror when you look into it your able to see me even when I’m not present.
I’ve given you this gift; however, this is not a poem, but a mirror.

So when you look into the words you see your pupils.
And when you look deeper you’ll see your pupils just as I see you when I look through the mirror.

Hopefully when you read this you can hear me laugh when your down, see me dancing the days you’re feeling worn out, and hear me go “Who Cares?” when that special times comes around.

And to end this poem, I take one last look in the mirror, and focus on my eye and every time I do..I’ll see not a diamond, nor a pearl, or a ruby, I just see you my Gem-In-Eye.

Love Always,

Leighrick

Conscious Dreamin’

I’d be lying if I say I didn’t want to go back.

 

As I’m lying on my back,

An abundance of thoughts are racing through my head, so its hard to stay on track.

It’s December and I’m having dreams of Santa placing me in my fathers lap.

A stork delivering me between my mothers legs.

 

Flashbacks holding my Sisters hands, they’re teaching me how to dance.

 

Walk down stairs to sneak something to eat, and see my brothers red hands.

I’d be lying if I say I didn’t want to go back.

 

 

And as I’m lying on my back,

Numerous thoughts race through my head, so its hard to stay on track.

I see me sitting on the table as my grandmother feeds me.

I wont bite the hand, rather admire the gentleness of them.

Now I’m running across the grass blowing bubbles with my cousins.

There’s an elephant in the room, but won’t nobody say nothing.

 

And as I’m lying on my back,

A plethora of thoughts race through my head, so its hard to stay on track.

Hey ! I’m cruising; riding a bike that won’t take me anywhere.

I remember Grandmas red beans & rice, cabbage, and spaghetti nobody would want to share.

There’s a hole in my stockings” I said, but she always had an extra pair.

I can still hear Wild Bill calling me the prettiest girl

Opening my eyes during the long prayer

Admiring my nephew as he plays in his mothers hair

Her stomach round my niece is in there.

 

And as I’m lying on my back

An overflow of thoughts race through my head, so its hard to stay on track

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to go back.

When we gathered together and laughed until we shed tears.

Every household had a secret that they didn’t want to share

I keep smiling sitting at the table with no one there.

So I fill in the empty seats with memories.

Now I’m remember this place, and never meant for it to come here.

The real estate I’m on is now a couch I call my home.

 

And as I’m lying on my back

Thoughts are shadowing memories, so it’s hard to place a bet

Who would win this war the guilt or  the hard head

In a room with 4 walls and no ceilings,

No doors, windows, or ladders,

How the fuck do I get out of here?

Everything around me happened so fast, why do I feel like I’m in slow motion?

 

As I’m lying on my back

I pack this bowl and drink this potion.

Who would’ve thought I’d be the sucker for love

I never showed emotion.

But I feel my heart skip a couple beats every time I hold my Grandmothers hand.

I tend to rethink everything I could have done different.

I’m trying to cherish time, but how am I suppose to do that if I cant even get a grasp of it?

 

And as I’m lying on my back,

I never thought it would have come to this.

A point where I can’t even finish this without

adding a couple “What Ifs“, a couple “Maybes

Thinking — is it best to be myself, or what I am expected to be?

Then I think again

Should I have even wrote this?

Many will read into a misconstrued message.

 

Fuck it tho

 

As I’m lying on my back

I find no reason to lie.

I wish I could go back just to make more memories…..

 

-Leighrick